Naked and Numb
by ImperfectSnow
Summary: Sakura X Kakashi If you're looking for a psychological mindf&k, then this is the place to be. After a traumatic event, Sakura forgets many things... like the death of her teammates and the fact that she was at the funeral. DRAMATIC Rated M for language


**Disclaimer**: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS

Naked and Numb

It was freezing. That was the first thing that Sakura registered as she regained consciousness. The second thing was that her body was aching in every imagineable place and the surface upon which she lay was painfully solid. Finally, the most important thing that Sakura noticed was that she was not alone. Upon opening her eyes and blinking a bit and then taking in her surroundings, she noted that her former Sensei, Hatake Kakashi was sitting nearby, stoking a small fire and staring into blank space.

Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke and Sai had taken a three month mission out in Snow Country, the mission had started in April, and was due to finish in July sometime, they had one month left. It was extremely difficult and the weather conditions had just about killed them.

Sakura recognised that she was in a cave, and looked over at Kakashi.

"K-Kakashi?" Sakura shimmied herself out of the blanket she was wrapped in and looked at Kakashi in confusion. Her voice seemed to have brought him out of his reverie, and he looked over at her and smiled sadly. "Where's Naruto and Sasuke... and Sai?"

Kakashi looked away from her for a brief second and steeled himself, then he stood up and walked over to Sakura. She could see by his weary eyes that something had gone wrong. Kakashi was not on her mission team, and so his presence was a warning in itself.

"Sakura... do you know what month it is?" Sakura was a little stricken by this question, it was not the correct answer to her own question, but she obliged and answered.

"It's June... well, sometime in June, why?" Kakashi sighed and sat down next to her, she was worried, what had happened? How long had she been out?

"It's not June Sakura, it's November. Naruto and Sasuke and Sai have been dead for five months, don't you remember? You were at their funeral, I was there too. You said a Eulogy and put a white flower on each of their graves." Kakashi's eyes were glazed and sad, with dark bags beneath them. Sakura stared at him in shock, what was he talking about? She'd just had the massive battle with the Rogue Nins that were taking over Snow Country.

"No, It's June, and I spoke to them just a few hours ago, they're not dead, no, no, there has to be some kind of mistake, they're not dead!" Sakura was struggling in her blanket, trying to get out of it. Kakashi tried to hold her down, to keep her warm, so she wouldn't get sick. "Kakashi, what are you talking about, have you gone insane? My boys are not _dead_! Why would you tell me something like that? Is this some kind of sick joke? Are you _fucking_ out of your _mind_?" Sakura was screaming now, angry tears streaming down her face, she wanted to kill him, how could he be so insensitive, those boys were pieces of her life!

"Sakura, listen to me, please! This is not a joke, it's true. This is your first mission since that night. You were in an asylum for two months. I think maybe you're having a little bit of a relapse. Look, we're on our way back home, to Konoha, we came to Snow Country to act as the ambassadors to Konoha. Don't you remember?" Kakashi's eyes became hopeful, but soon lost their sheen when Sakura glared at him angrily and insisted that he get away from her.

"Sakura, why would I lie to you? You're my teammate and my friend" he reached out to Sakura, to try and reassure her, but Sakura screached and spat venemously at him

"Don't fucking touch me, Hatake!" Kakashi stepped away from her at the speed of light. "Don't touch me... don't...touch...don't...me..." Sakura passed out, the adrenaline surge and shock overwhelming her.

XXX

The funeral was a strange affair. It was overcast with one beam of sunlight elluminating the site where the funeral was taking place. Sakura stood in a black dress, her hair loose and blowing in the wind, wipping around her sullen face.

"Naruto was like my baby brother, he was so hyper, all the time. He never stopped moving. He had so much determination, there was nothing he couldn't do, he just had to set his mind to it. I loved him, and he loved me, more than I deserved, he loved me even when I only had eyes for one... and I regret that, because Naruto was such a brilliant person. The light in my day, the fun in my day, and just the all round brilliance in my day. I'm going to miss you Naruto, there's still so much I wanted to tell you... " Sakura held back the tears that threatened her eyes, she swallowed the sob in her throat and placed a single white flower on Naruto's grave.

"Sasuke was interesting. He had a mystique about him that made me want to walk over mountains for him. He never really smiled, or laughed, but he was excellent. He was good at everything he did, he never faltered, never made a mistake. Sure, he made a few misjudgements when he was younger, but we all did. When I was six years old, I met Sasuke, he was quiet and solemn. The complete opposite of Naruto." Sakura laughed slightly, remembering the two, and how much they loathed each other in the beginning. "But I loved him, for years, through most of my life, I loved Sasuke. I still love him, and I know he loved me too. I'm going to miss you Sasuke, there's so much about you I still wanted to know..." Sakura choked out a sob and placed one of the two remaining white flowers on Sasuke's grave.

"Sai...God, Sai was something else entirely. I only met him when I was sixteen, so I only knew him for about six years, but those years were never dull. He didn't have the emotional capabilities of a normal person, but he was funny. Tactless, but funny. He and Naruto never got along, but I know they thought of each other as brothers. Sai had a very...different upbringing, but we taught him how to behave around people. I loved Sai's interesting habits, and his art was amazing. In the six years that I knew him, I learned to love him, he was my brother, and I know he loved me too, in whatever way he loved people. I'm going to miss you Sai, there were so many things I wanted to show you..." Sakura finally released the sob that was stuck in her throat as she placed the final white flower on Sai's grave.

Tears burned wet tracks into her cheeks and her body shook violently as she tried to hold herself together with her arms. Suddenly strong arms encircled her small form and she felt Kakashi hold her together against his chest. She was on the verge of breaking, and he held her together, her last piece of life, keeping her sane...

XXX

Hatake Kakashi felt like crying. He was watching as his friend and love lost her mind to grief, and he himself was feeling as if he had lost his reason to keep going.

It was a shock to everyone when the brilliant Team 7 lost most of its members in a gruesome battle in Snow Country, and an especially big shock to Kakashi, when two ANBU men came rushing through Konoha holding a ragged and beaten up woman with startling pink hair. He followed them and almost collapsed on the spot when he saw Sakura at the hospital. Her back was ripped open, and she looked frozen, despite the weather in Fire Country. They worked on her for hours, trying to close up the tear in her back, Kakashi stayed at the hospital the whole time, and didin't sleep, not even once. He was stressed and more worried than he had ever been.

When she finally woke up two days later, much to the delight of Tsunade and Kakashi, she was so normal that Tsunade thought that there had to be something wrong with her. She was cheerful and bright, she made jokes with Kakashi and she cried her heart out when they told her that her best friends had died. She spoke at the funeral, and mourned for one week, and then she was fine, for three straight days.

Until Kakashi went to visit her and found her in her kitchen, and when he walked in she was in a complete state, she said "I don't know what to do, Kakashi. Naruto and Sasuke haven't visited me in so long, and I can't find them anywhere, the Uchiha compound is even locked, I mean I'd expect that kind of behaviour from Sai, but Naruto visits me everyday! Are they on a mission? Do you know where they are? _Tell me!_" She was crying, and Kakashi walked over to her and held her completely flush against him, they just stood like that, for a very long time. Sakura cried and Kakashi picked her up and took her to bed, and held her all night, she even cried in her sleep.

The next day, Sakura cried non-stop.

When asked why, she simply replied "I can't find Naruto and Sasuke, do you know where they are?" the people of the village had no idea what to answer. They didn't want to tell her what happened, for they feared she would completely crumble at their feet. So, they sent her to Tsunade. Tsunade had her institutionalized, and Kakashi visited her every day. For two months she didn't change, she just cried and slept, she even stopped communicating with people, all day she simply mumbled "I can't find Naruto and Sasuke, do you know where they are?". Kakashi was almost at his breaking point, everyone had given up on her except Tsunade and himslef. Even Ino had said that she couldn't handle it anymore, she wanted to remember Sakura how she was, and not as this empty woman that's lost her mind.

Often times, Kakashi would visit her and simply hold her, for hours on end.

Then one day, Sakura changed her question, she said "I can't find Naruto and Sasuke, do you know why?" Kakashi didn't know what to do, he told himself that the real Sakura was in there somewhere, trying to break out, tired of living in this shell of a woman.

"Yes, Sakura, I can tell you why. Naruto and Sasuke died. I know that you already knew that, and I'd like you to come out here and speak to me." Kakashi felt as though he was losing it, this woman was taking his mind away from him.

"What do you mean? That doesn't make sense, why would they be dead? If they were dead, then I'd be dead. Did you know Kakashi, that I am them and they are me?" Sakura smiled sweetly and looked at him with glazed over eyes.

That is the day that Kakashi cracked and Sakura returned... slightly.

"Don't give me that shit! I know you're in there Sakura, stop acting like a _fucking_ _nutbag_ and come out here! I need you here with me, I can't deal with this alone, come out here goddammit!" Kakashi was shaking her by the shoulders, it felt wrong to do so, as she was under-nourished, but Kakashi couldn't have cared less, he needed Sakura's laugh, her smile, her vibrant eyes and most of all he just needed her, he wanted to hold _Sakura,_ not this clone.

Her smile vanished and her eyes darkened, she seemed to be contemplating or having an internal debate, and then she looked up at Kakashi, stood up and hugged him, held him so tight he thought he might break, but he held her right back. And Kakashi cried, he held her and kissed her and cried.

"Kakashi... oh my god... what happened?" Sakura sounded dumbstruck.

Kakashi laughed a small laugh and pulled back to look at her, "You've just been gone for a little while. but it's ok, you're here now" he laughed again, and kissed her fervently, not in a romantic way, but in a way that a man - who had no idea that he wasn't in fact crazy but actually just in love - would kiss the woman that he had missed for months, despite her being right in front of him. And she kissed him back, because he was the only piece that seemed to fit in her world.

Weeks passed after that, and Sakura trained with Kakashi, and received mental treatment from Tsunade, just in case, and she visited Naruto and Sasuke and Sai everyday, just to remember that her sanity lay right beside them, and that as long as they were there, in her village, they were her home, her sanity and her life.

Kakashi tried to reign in his feelings for Sakura, to give her some time. He had struggled with her mental problem for all those months, and found it difficult not to hold onto her for every second of every day and never let go. But she was getting better, and when the time came for him to actually tell her that he was in love with her, she smiled warmly and hugged him tightly around the waist. "Thank God, because, I'm not sure what I'd do if you loved anyone else." was her response, before he kissed her, and it was the perfect day, as it was Autumn and the leaves were orange and red and yellow, and the scene couldn't have been any more sublime.

Then the mission came. Tsunade thought in might be alright for Sakura and Kakashi to take a minor mission down to Snow Country, just to start warming up again. Kakashi didn't think it was a very good idea, considering that Snow Country was the place that all of the pain started, but Tsunade wouldn't hear any of it, and so they went.

The first night that they stayed there, Sakura woke up next to Kakashi and asked him where Naruto and Sasuke and Sai were. Kakashi told her what had happened and that it had already been five months, and that she had been to the funeral. Sakura would not accept it, and Kakashi had to knock her out, complete the mission and return to her in the cave. On the second night the same thing happened and when Kakashi tried to console her she began screaming for him not to touch her, and that if he did she would kill him, it was almost a repetition of this night only, on the second night they fought, and Sakura got a few nasty gashes from trying a few unsavoury techniques on Kakashi and mainly hurting herself. She made it very clear to her lover that she never wanted him to touch her again, for she did not know that they were already engaged and that she was bearing his child.

Tonight was the third night, and Kakashi was tired, exhausted in fact. He loved Sakura with every fibre of his being, and she would not let him near her. He wasn't sure what to do, he needed to find a way to bring her back again. Screaming at her seemed to work, but it broke his heart everytime he did. The one thing that he didn't want to do, seemed to be the only thing that was going to work. He would have to make her re-live that night, with his Sharingan. He was loathe to do it, but maybe it was necessary, to make her realize, that she couldn't have done anything, and that it was the time to acknowledge that they were gone, but he and their child and their life together was still alive. He had to do it, he had to kill her all over again, just so that she could live.

XXX

Kakashi had taken all the necessary precautions, he had stopped all of Sakura's movements for the moment, leaving her temporarily paralyzed from the neck down, he had made sure she was comfortable, and was about to wake her up.

Gently, he stroked her cheek, and called her name softly, until he noticed her eyelids twitching and her mouth shifting slightly. "Sakura, Sakura, wake up. I need you to look at me" he watched her regain consciousness with sad eyes, and he could feel the beginnings of a monster headache threatening his temples. Slowly he removed his hitai-ate from his eye and his mask from his face and he looked at Sakura, she finally opened her eyes and gasped when she looked at Kakashi, only to have the black and red orb penetrate her mind.

The minute Sakura looked into Kakashi's Sharingan, she found herself sucked from the world and thrown into her memories, memories she wasn't aware existed.

There she was, standing in a snowy forest, watching Naruto and Sasuke fighting a gang of Rogue Nin, there was blood everywhere, the pearl white snow, tainted with red stains. Naruto and Sasuke both had nasty cuts all over their bodies, and the Rogue Nin weren't looking too healthy themselves. Sai was standing next to Sakura, holding her down, she could feel that she had a deep cut stretching down the length of her back. She wanted to go to them, to help them, to stop this fight, for she had a feeling that she knew how it would end. "Let go of me, Sai! I need to help them, let go! Why are you doing this, _don't touch me!_" Sakura screeched, but Sai showed no move to listen to her demand. Sasuke used his Katon a few times, but his wounds were taking their toll on him, and Naruto was trying to hold off all the Nin that had given up on Sasuke.

Naruto was the first to go.

At the command of one of the Nin, presumably the leader, they all did a hand seal simultaneously and thousands of kunai and shuriken shot out and concentrated on Naruto's location, he screamed a murderous scream, and Sakura felt her blood run cold. The world seemed to stop, there Naruto was, on his knees, with thoudands of weapons digging into him, some floating in his blood, that was pooling in the snow. Sakura screamed, she screamed until she couldn't hear anything but her own voice. The world had noticeably slowed down, all the Nin had turned towards Sasuke now, as he was staring at Naruto with wide eyes. The Uchiha's face became murderous, and Naruto uttered one last death rattle as he looked over at Sakura and smiled "I...love you...my Cherry...Blosso..." and he fell, into the snow, into his blood, with a smile on his face.

"NO! No! Naruto, Naruto, wake up! Look at me! Goddammit Sai! Let go of me!" Sakura was losing it, she didn't care if her back split open, she needed to heal Naruto, before he left her, all alone in this cold world. She pushed Sai off, as he stood behind her, with a stunned expression chiseled into his face.

"Sai! Get over here!" That was Sasuke, the Nin gang were overwhelming him, he couldn't focus, knowing that Naruto was dead. Sai rushed over to him, only just managing to tear his eyes away from Sakura, as she made a bloody trail in the snow to get to Naruto's chilled corpse.

"Wake up, wake up, you idiot! Come on, wake up, this isn't the end, you don't die yet! You die when I fucking tell you to die!" Sakura gritted her teeth against the influx of tears that were sure to come. She was pumping his chest, trying to make a beat that wasn't there.

Sasuke, fell to the ground, too fatigued to carry on fighting, Sai was holding off the remaining Nin. Sasuke spotted Sakura pumping Naruto's blood stained chest, while the wound in her back created a bloody trail down her body and mixed in with Naruto's blood. Sasuke crawled over to her, trying to call out to her, but not quite finding his voice "Saku...Sakur...a...Sa..." she never heard him, not even as he collapsed into the snow, while the kunai in his neck made him lose his vision, then his hearing, then everything... "I... love... you...my...Cherry...B..." and then he died.

Sasuke was the second to go.

It was too late when Sakura stopped pumping Naruto's chest and looked over to find the bloody mass that was Sasuke.

"NO! No, no no! NO! SASUKE!" Sakura couldn't contain herself, the tears came out, flowing down her cheeks, staining her pale features. Sasuke wasn't moving, and Sakura was almost at the point of paralysis due to her wound, but she rushed towards Sasuke, and held his head, while crying and trying to bring him back. She pumped chakra into his heart, trying to boost it. It wasn't working, Sasuke was already gone, there was no pulse in his veins, no blood left in his heart.

"Sasuke, you bastard! WAKE UP!" Sakura started hitting him, beating his cold body, hoping against all hope that he would wake up and tell her to stop.

"WHY ARE YOU ALL LEAVING ME?" Sakura was crumbling, losing her will.

Sai had defeated all the Nin, he was exhausted, and bloody and completely drained of any coherent thoughts, he had lost two of his best friends, just when he'd learnt the meaning of such things. But Sakura was still here, and he needed to get her away from here, to somewhere safe, away from the corpses of her boys, the two that she lived for.

"Sakura, come, it's time to go, we need to get out of he-" Sai was cut off by a sharp pain in his spine, Sakura was watching the space behind him with wide, shocked eyes. One of the Nin had survived, and was sitting up slightly from his bloodied position in the snow. He had just thrown a shuriken at Sai, hitting him square in the spin, shattering his vertibrae, and cutting off his bodily responses.

"SAI!" Sakura couldn't believe what was happening, they were literally dying around her, and she was completely hopeless to do anything.

Sai was the last to go.

Sakura gasped for air, her body didn't seem to want to retain any oxygen. She crawled over to Sai, shaking his body violently.

"S-S-Sai? Sai, wake up, come on, it's time to go, GET UP! GET UP, YOU BASTARD! Sai! help me! Help me!" By this time there was a bloody triangle carved into the snow, made by the treks made to her boys. Tears streamed into the snow and froze over. Green pupils, lined with stressed veins, quivering lips and a bloody face, bloody hands.

Sai... he was lying in a heap in the snow, gasping for air, the sound of gurgling coming from deep within his body.

He smiled at Sakura, a genuine smile, something she had never seen.

A lone tear left his eye, and he struggled to gurgle out his last sentence "I...love you...my...Cherr..." and then he died.

"IF YOU LOVED ME YOU WOULDN''T FUCKING DIE!" Sakura screeched into the shameless sky. Snowflakes stuck to the blood on her face before melting, leaving a messy line down her face.

"I...can't do this...Kakashi...help me...they're DEAD!" Sakura stumbled into the center of the bloody triangle, her knees soaked with blood and snow... she looked up into the grey sky, tears pluming her cheeks.

"Why did this happen? Kakashi, help me. I need you here with me...my life is gone, it's dying all around me... you're the only piece left..." Sakura's eyes burned with the strain of having cried for so long.

It was freezing. That was the last thing Sakura noticed as she ripped her blood stained clothes from her body. She didn't want the evidence of death on her, especially not when these particluar deaths were so significant to her, she wanted to be cleansed, pure...out of pain...

Her back was ripped open, and bleeding everywhere, but she was numb, she felt nothing, not even as she lay down in the center of the crimson triangle, naked and numb.

She should have died, but she didn't.

Why am I here?

Why aren't I dead?

Where is Naruto?

Where is Sasuke?

Where is Sai?

Where is Kakashi?

"_I'm right here, come back to me. We can do this Sakura, you don't have to be alone anymore_" Kakashi's voice reverberated in her mind. He wasn't here with her, but he was in her head... in her mind, she could feel him, his warmth...

Why aren't I cold?

Sakura felt as though she should stand up. She remembered what happened after this, the ANBU came and picked her up, then she was moved at an unbelievable speed through the Countries. She had felt warm the whole time, despite her wound, her attire and her insanity.

She stood up, in the center of the crimson triangle, her boys lying around her. _They're only asleep, they'll get up soon, and we'll make a fire and have some sake... and everything will be ok... I know it will..._ Sakura's thoughts were determined to follow this particular train of thought. She wanted to fight it, this was wrong, it wasn't true. They were dead, she knew they were, she'd held them as they'd died... _No, they're alive_.

No, they're dead.

"Stop it! They're DEAD! I know they are! Their blood stains my hands! Stop confusing me!" Sakura grabbed her hair and crouched, her back ripping, she screamed, birds flew from distant trees. The pain was unbearable. _I'm stronger than this, what's wrong with me... where am I? This happened months ago, I'm supposed to be with Kakashi, starting my life... I'm pregnant for fuck's sake! _Sakura growled into the cold air. Her body was starting to feel the cold, this was no longer just a memory, the pain she was supposed to feel on that night, was finally coming to her. She was freezing, almost to the point of frostbite.

_I should be dead_...

"Kakashi! Come to me!" Sakura wanted to cry again.

Looking down, the blood stains were dripping off of her, into the snow. Naruto, Sasuke and Sai's bodies were dissapearing. She ran over to Naruto, holding his body tight to her own "I love you Naruto, you brilliant friend, thank you for everything." She kissed him and smiled.

She then ran over to Sasuke, held onto him, kissed him and whispered "I love you Sasuke, you arrogant ass, thank you for everything" she laughed a small laugh and let him go.

Finally she ran over to Sai, held his hands, kissed him and whispered into his deaf ears "I love you Sai, you emotionless bastard, thank you for everything" she smiled and let him go.

Naruto, Sasuke and Sai had dissapeared, the blood stains were gone from the snow, her body and her face. The air was clean and her world became pure white. She could feel Kakashi close by, his warmth, his presence. She touched her stomach and smiled, she was going to have a baby. And she was going to have green eyes and silver hair. Sakura laughed, tears streaming down her face...

XXX

Kakashi watched as Sakura smiled, tears running down her cheeks. He knew that the memory was coming to an end. It could have ended horribly, but Sakura broke through the coldness of her world, and let go of her guilt. The guilt that was keeping her trapped within her own mind.

The time was coming where Sakura would come out of the mental paralysis, and physical paralysis. Kakashi waited by her side for her to awake. She blinked slowly at first, and her face slowly started to liven up. She lay still and opened her emerald eyes slowly, looking at the cave ceiling and then at Kakashi. He watched her with warm, but hesitant eyes. He didn't want to scare her or anger her. He couldn't be sure how she would react to his presence.

"Sakura? It's me, Kakashi, do you remember where you are?" he watched her tentatively. She nodded and searched his face, then she smiled, beamed in fact. Kakashi was shocked, he was not expecting such a response.

"Kakashi, we're having a baby. And she's going to have silver hair and green eyes." she laughed, and more tears streamed down her face, tears of happiness this time. Kakashi blinked, and then smiled, his maskless face lighting up.

"Yes, Sakura, we're having a baby..." he put his hand over his eyes and sobbed, his love was back, it was so painful to lose her so many times. Kakashi couldn't stop the insistent flow of tears, sobs wracking his body, he wrapped his arms around himself. Suddenly he felt a warm body curling itself into him, he looked up and found Sakura wrapping her arms around him, and curling into his chest. He held her, squeezed her, so tight.

"I'm never letting you go again." His tears saturated the shoulder of her jersey, but he didn't care.

"Kakashi, I know where Naruto, Sasuke and Sai are. It just took me a little while to figure it out" she smiled a sad smile and squeezed Kakashi tighter "they're in everything I do, they're in every beatiful moment that I'm going to experience, that I have experienced and they're in my life and love. They're in my love for you, and in your love for me.".

Kakashi nodded and kissed Sakura on the forehead "That's right. Your boys are everywhere, I'm so glad you figured it out" he replied, humbly.

"I love you Kakashi, more than you could ever know." Sakura said, moving into a kneeling position in front of Kakashi. He put his hands on her hips and leaned his head forward into her, he was exhausted, passed exhaustion in fact.

"I love you more than words" he sobbed again, tears running down the length of his nose and saturating the cave floor. Sakura put her hands into his silver hair and held him like that, for a very long time, they stayed that way. Kakashi cried, more than he had in a while. Sakura smiled, remembering her boys, holding onto the man that was hers now, and thinking about the child that was theirs.

XXX

Two years later a woman with a bulging stomach, pink hair and electric green eyes could be seen walking through a field towards a memorial park, holding the hand of a little girl with silver hair and equally electric green eyes, while a man with unruly silver hair, a mask and a lazy slouch held the woman's other hand.

This is a humble family with many interesting stories, painful stories, funny stories, sad stories, happy stories and, most of all, vivid stories. A family that endured the conflicts of insanity, the pain of loss and the gruelling battles brought on by grief.

One day, when all hope was lost, a woman died so that she could live.

XXX

END

Author's Note:

Yay! I had this idea in my head. I'm sorry I made Sakura a nutbag, but somebody had to...

I love this pairing and I love writing about Sakura, she's a good and rounded character. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

This one had a little bit of poetic value to it, sorry about that... ^^;

OH. And for the people hoping for a little bit of a LEMON, I'm sorry but this is more of an artistic drama-type thing, maybe next time.

TeinePein


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